Some parents confuse the idea of an explanation with an excuse. Giftedness can explain a child’s behavior, but it should never excuse inappropriate behavior. Sometimes we say, “Well, the kid is gifted. That’s why this happens.” Yes, that explains it, but it should not make inappropriate behavior acceptable. Yes, he is gifted and that high energy level combined with the lack of engagement in the classroom may explain why he is running around the room doing handstands better than a label like ADHD. While giftedness doesn’t excuse that behavior, it can be used to begin to design interventions to address that interfering behavior.
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Foster Accountability
“Giftedness can be used to explain behavior, but it should never excuse behavior.”
Ed Amend, Ph.D.
Amend Psychological Services, PSC
3131 Custer Drive, Suite 5
Lexington, KY 40517
https://theamendgroup.com/
Email: info@theamendgroup.com
Phone: 859.269.6465
Amend Psychological Services, PSC
3131 Custer Drive, Suite 5
Lexington, KY 40517
https://theamendgroup.com/
Email: info@theamendgroup.com
Phone: 859.269.6465
Edward R. Amend, Psy.D., is a practicing clinical psychologist at Amend Psychological Services, P.S.C., in Lexington, Kentucky. He is licensed in both Kentucky and Ohio. In his practice, Dr. Amend focuses on the social, emotional, and educational needs of gifted and talented youth, adults, and their families. He provides evaluations and therapy, facilitates child and parent discussion groups, and offers consultation and training for school personnel.
Dr. Amend is co- author of two award-winning books: A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children and Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, Depression, and Other Disorders (2nd edition).
As a strong advocate for the gifted population, Dr. Amend’s years of service have included the Board of Directors of Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted; President of the Kentucky Association for Gifted Education; Chair for the National Association for Gifted Children Counseling and Guidance Network; and consultant to the Davidson Institute for Talent Development. He speaks locally and nationally on issues related to giftedness.
So, what can parents do now to avoid that confusion between explanation and excuse?
Parents can validate that gifted children are different and often feel different from age-peers in many ways. They can foster an understanding in the child of what it means to be a gifted individual. They can commu- nicate an acceptance of self and others, while not allowing giftedness to define the child.
Parents can teach children to acknowledge their role and foster accountability. Unfortunately, this does not always happen in the world. We blame—everything is someone else’s fault. While blaming others can temporarily raise one’s self- esteem, blaming others and deflecting responsibility is not healthy or productive. You cannot live successfully in the real world if you blame others for everything that goes wrong. Everyone needs to look at the role they play in every situation, which is not always easy or comfortable to do.
Parents can educate themselves about the needs of gifted kids, understand how they are different, and recognize that giftedness doesn’t define them. It is a piece of who they are. You cannot deal with behavior that is driven by giftedness by taking giftedness out of the equation just as you can’t buy pants if you don’t know how tall somebody is. You have to incorporate giftedness into the process of growth, development, or education just as you factor height into buying pants. The more parents understand, the better. They are able to validate and communicate acceptance and recognition in a positive way that separates the deed from the doer and the behavior from the child. It separates the giftedness from the overall aspect of who the child is. In the end, this will lead parents to refrain from excusing inappropriate behavior on the basis of giftedness.
If parents foster accountability, it will give children an appropriate sense of who they are. If children can acknowledge that they are kids with strengths and weaknesses, then as they venture into adulthood, they will feel like it is okay to have strengths and weaknesses. Often when I speak, I ask parents, “How many of you are gifted?” Very few parents raise their hand, but we know that gifted kids often come from bright parents. When parents are uncomfortable with their own giftedness, they may not see it as a good thing to foster in their children.
We can raise a generation of people who are comfortable with their giftedness just like we have people who are comfortable with their ability in sports. When it comes to sports, people do not shy away from showing and sharing their strengths. However, when it comes to school and academic endeavors, people are often less comfortable in acknowledging their extraordinary abilities.
If we can raise a generation of kids who are comfortable with themselves, who are clear on their strengths and weaknesses, and who take responsibility for their behavior, the world will be better for it.
RESOURCES
CO-AUTHORED: Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, Depression and Other Disorders (2nd Edition)CONTRIBUTOR: Twice Exceptional